fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
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