Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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