She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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