Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
