wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
