if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
