shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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