Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
