Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
