I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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