take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He felt like a one man threesome
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
