you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
