Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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