My liver just broke up with me...
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
