I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
