somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
