The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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