don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
