Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
i need some magic done to my vagina
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
