I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
