it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
