Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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