The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
