I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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