So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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