somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
