You made me cry and you don't even care
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
