You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
