How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
