I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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