Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
