there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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