Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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