I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
