Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
