Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
