I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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