I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
