just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
