I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
