you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
