I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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