i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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