Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
