Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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