Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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