I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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