so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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