Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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