is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Couch. On fire.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
