Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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