the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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