His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
