The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
